My first exploration to sadomasochism outside my fantasies was surely Larry Townsend’s Leatherman’s Handbook. Much later I would read about S&M on usenet newsgroups.
Myles’ was the first blog that I discovered by a sadistic, dominant woman. I’d run across and featured a few “maledom, femsub” blogs on my oldest sexuality site. Balance seemed to require the dominant women and masochistic men.
I found two that were active. Aspirant’s lamentedly gone A Slave’s Path (best wishes to him, whatever is happening in his life) and Myles’ Evil Torturing Angel. Not finding more – hard to imagine now – I put my project on the backburner. It wasn’t until I started Down On My Knees that I finally posted the entry on Amorous Propensities.
When Myles first commented on my site I was deeply moved. As sort of “number one” she has always had a special place. And the beautiful oxymoronic quality of a torturing angel moved me as well.
And I’ll confess that I feel a certain awe of Myles. I’ve read lots of cruel prose. And correspond with plenty of sadistic women. But when I look into Myles’ virtual eyes I dizzily feel I see much of my own depths – from the opposite side – cooling staring back.
She makes me wish I were younger, healthier and single. Don’t take that amiss. I know what a very lucky man I am to have Alexandra. What we share really works.
Years ago elsewhere I wrote of an erotically exciting personality. That people did not understand what I meant greatly baffled me. Hasn’t anyone experienced a mind that reaches your erotic core? I have over the web. A few times.
And in my lovers a gesture or vocal quality has been the source of their sexual beauty. Not that I don’t like pretty, handsome or whatnot. The psychosexual appeal of another’s sexuality and persona should be obvious. And honor and clarity are very sexy.
Not that I fantasize about Myles. I never do that kind of thing. Even though I’m talking about BDSM it is an innocent erotic esteem. This is something I’ve long enjoy, never worrying about issues of the flesh.
This for this site is an exceptionally long preamble. But I was feeling pretty amped up already. On my forum site I asked tops if they had problems coping with accepting their brutal desires, maintaining a balance and not letting what a bottom offers them become an addictive source of self-respect.
On Fetish Lore:
I stopped playing and interacting with people involved in BDSM for a 3 year period because of this. I realized that I was seeking the adoration of my submissives in an attempt to create a semblance of self-esteem. It wasn’t working for me, and if anything, was making my struggle to accept my sadism even harder. I didn’t return to play until I had done some intensive work on some deep-seated issues and resolved a bunch of internal conflict.
She also pointed to an old entry on Evil Torturing Angel:
I can’t even recall the number of canes I broke, or how many times I had to bite back a howl of pain because I had to stop for a safeword. I wasn’t content or even momentarily sated unless I drew blood, lots of it, and I was so exhausted and sore I could barely lift my arms.
And today she published a long entry:
Sadism and dominance is woven throughout my being. I can’t separate the two, any more than I can just stop being one or the other, or both. Even the most sensual pleasure with a partner, for me, has some level of infliction of pain involved, either physical or psychological.
(Again: what I wrote above implies no lack of happiness in my relationship with Alexandra. The mind does what it does.)